My Better Half

I’ve been having some fantastically funny dreams here, and I thought I might share the craziest of them so far. It’s a pretty great one to explain in person, but I still figured the text version might liven up this blog:

In this dream, I wasn’t entirely human. I was a half-human-half-cow thing. However, I wasn’t split the cool way like a centaur; I was split down my medial___ axis. I had two cow legs on my left side, but on my right side I had one human leg and one human arm (just like my own real limbs). This definitely sounds like a crappy pretense for a children’s movie, but it gets sillier.

You may be aware that the mapping of the brain’s motor control is “switched” in that the left side of the brain controls the right side of the body and vice versa. This random fact determined a large part of the issues faced by my cow-human self. My human brain (right side) could only move or control the cow side of the body (left side), and my dumb cow brain (left) had no use for all the potential of my human side (right). This led to some serious frustrations. Here’s some example of internal dialogue I had:

Human brain:                     Let’s walk get some water over there.

Cow brain:                          Mooooooo.

Human brain:                     We can open this latch to get out of this paddock. Heeeeere we go. Use that opposable thumb right there.

Cow brain:                          Mooooooo.

The one thing the cow brain was intelligent enough to realize was that it could control the cow-side of the body by causing pain. The cow brain would control the human hand enough to pinch my tongue and pull it in the direction it wanted to go. The human brain would eventually have to oblige in order to stop the intense tongue tugging. All this makes the cow brain sound like a separate entity, but you should understand that I earnestly felt these moos as much as I felt my frustration at them.

I could make friends with other cows who tolerated my human side, although they bored me terribly. I could even make friends with humans, ones that were accepting of my absurd condition. Unfortunately, I couldn’t speak to them successfully because my human brain was in control of a cow’s mouth. I became a very good listener and would moo apologetically or in support when appropriate.

The only part of this dream that doesn’t seem like some sort of cartoon act was the odd brand on my right shoulder (human side). It was a large, square X with dots on either side of it, something like: •X•

The mark was all in black with precise lines. When my human friends noticed this mark on my arm, they all immediately changed demeanor. I suddenly seemed to terrify them with my presence as if I had just given Hitler my full support or suggested drowning puppies. People would end conversations abruptly and then leave without ever returning. My cow and human brain had no sense of what caused this reaction. My human brain had the wisdom to suggest covering it up so that people wouldn’t be scared away, but the cow brain had no capacity to hide the brand using its limited motor skills. In the end, I was one funny-looking creature with no real connections to others. Mooooooo.

——-

If people really like this one, let me know and I’ll post more!

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